New Year’s Resolutions for Writers…

By way of an intro I must tell you that I found these on my computer while looking for something else. They were written for a column in 2007! And the shameful thing is, they are just as pressing – with minor updates (see notes in italics) – now, as they were then.  Proving that Old Writers Never Learn – they just get bigger arses…. (or something!).

Whatever you resolve, I hope it comes to pass. Happy New Year!

New Year’s Resolutions for Writers

1. Writers’ Bottom

I will finally face the fact that Writing does not use up 500 calories an hour and that food eaten at the desk does count – particularly when it is two packets of Kettle chips dipped in houmous, a bar of chocolate and half a bottle of white wine. The excursion from computer to sofa to watch EastEnders does not constitute  exercise. Writers Bottom is not a hereditary condition but caused by sitting on it for eight hours a day while cramming junk food. (Now of course I am the proud author of a tome designed to consign one’s writer’s derriere to a thing of the past. If you wanted to help my new year go with a bang you could always buy it :-))

2. Alcohol

I will remember that actually alcohol does not enhance creativity and that there is no point in writing down the brilliant idea I had for chapter seventeen when I  was three sheets to the wind. Even if I can  decipher it, it will still be drivel in the morning.

3. Tolerance

I will not scream: YOU JUST HAVE  when family members walk into my  writing room, saying “I won’t interrupt you but….”

Nor throw things at their heads when they answer: “But you were only looking out of the window… “

4. Deadlines

I will remind myself that the sensible, grown-up way to handle a deadline is write 2000 words a day, Monday to Friday,  with Sunday off to allow for bracing walks and cooking the family roast. I will no longer spend five months and three weeks emailing and going out to lunch and then book into a hotel for seven days and stay up all night swearing.

5. Bookshops

I will go into bookshops to buy books. I will  stop rearranging the bookshelves by moving myself from W (down in the corner at ankle level where the cobwebs lurk) to A  where everyone can see me (especially if I put all copies face out over the top of Jeffrey Archer).

Alternatively I will change my name to Arkwright.

6. Jealousy

I will stop grinding my teeth over the Bestseller lists and be totally thrilled when someone who has never written a word in their entire life gets a six-figure sum and half a million quid’s worth of film rights for their memoir on eating slugs in the jungle or having a breast enhancement operation, live on Big Brother. After all, there’s room for all of us…

7. Humour.  I will smile widely when the 4, 752nd person says: Ha, ha, ha – have you sold as many as 50 Shades of Grey yet? (of course when  I first wrote this, it was J K Rowling. Doesn’t make it any better!)

8. Patience.

Even when that person says it every time I meet him.

9. Perseverance

I will try and keep to these longer than I did last year (January 17th)

10. Honesty.

I will tell the truth. (It was Jan 4th)

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14 responses to “New Year’s Resolutions for Writers…

  1. Here’s looking forward to a Fantastic 2014 filled with tolerance and patience so we don’t have to make resolutions next year to feel guilty about. I hope your family can walk around you without wearing crash helmets this year. The corset industry sends thanks to all authors male and female in the same boat as us. HIDE THE CRISPS!
    xxx Huge Hugs xxx

  2. Loved it, so much of that rang true, except for the hotel bit, which I would do if I wasn’t a Mum but can’t because I am… but it still takes me two and a half years to write one book… gah…

    I now spend half an hour at the gym* three times a week to combat my writer’s arse.

    Have a fine and dandy one.

    Cheers

    MTM

    * it’s a special gym for fat middle-aged women so it only takes half an hour and you don’t break a sweat. Sorry. Rambling. Stop.

  3. Brilliant post, had me laughing all the way through. I think all writers can relate. The question I get asked time and time again: ‘Is your book like Fifty Shades of Grey?’ Is my book badly written pornography, you mean? Deep breath… count to ten… ‘No it bloomin’ well isn’t!!!’

  4. Thanks for these lovely comments too – and M T McGuire – my original version said “put the children into care” but he’s 20 now so I can disappear and order room service instead! 🙂 (funds permitting!!!)
    thanks for reading, everyone…

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